Is it better to have loved and lost?....

"It is better to have loved, and lost, then never to have loved at all." This is something that I have never really thought about until recently. It was just pretty words to comfort people who were hurting. Now that I have had time to ponder, I have to vehemently disagree.

The Attack turned one on Saturday, and started running a fever that night. I was able to keep bringing it down, until the following night when he wouldn't drop below 39.5 degrees and was just screaming at the top of his little lungs. We ended up at Accident and Medical at about 1am, with his temp still going up, listening to a guy vomit into a bucket at approximately two minute intervals. (This part I didn't actually mind at all, as for some bizarre reason, The Attack loves the sound of people gagging.... it was the only time I'd heard him giggle all day.)

We were seen by a doctor, who could not find a reason for his fever and pronounced it "Viral". He was given 5ml of electrolytes every two minutes for half an hour to help lower his temperature, and we were sent home with instructions to "Get his temp down, and keep it down." Awesome.
He slept fitfully for the remainder of the night, waking often, and I hovered. This gave me time to think about a subject that my brain automatically tries to avoid: what would happen if I lost him? This starts running through my mind every time I end up at A&E or the Hospital with one of the boys, but since that night, it's been festering, so I need to get it out of my head.

I was never one of those people searching for a soul mate. I don't feel as though I'm half of a whole. I am complete. The people in my life are there because I choose it, kindred spirits, some of them, people to grow with, and learn from. But not necessary to make me feel whole.

I chose to have children, I made an informed decision. What I didn't realize was that by doing so, I would introduce two little people into my life who are so deeply ingrained in who I am, that to lose one of them, would break something in me that I will never get back.

Accidental death terrifies me, because it seems so preventable. If it's preventable, but was not prevented, does that mean it wasn't supposed to be prevented?
"It was Gods will," or "It was meant to be." Hold absolutely no water at all here, I will fight the Gods, and the fates. You will not take them from me.

The strength and courage needed to endure the loss of a child must be astounding. I imagine that if you could make it through that, you would have a much better understanding of what you're capable of.

I don't care.

There is no comfort in those words, only lessons, and no amount of personal growth is worth that lesson.

If I had decided four years ago, not to have children, I would have had a very different life. But still a life.
If they were taken from me now, I don't think I would come back from that.

And yet, if someone had told me before they were born, that I only had five years with them, I still would have taken it with both hands. There is no way I would give up the chance to know them, even briefly. But that is from my current perspective where I can not untangle myself fully from the reality where I already have them..... if they had never existed, I would not know what I was missing.

So, is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?
Only if you don't have so much to lose.



xox