And then there were two....

How to explain what it was like for me after Ashden was born? Anybody who has been through any sort of postnatal blues or depression will be very familiar with the feeling of hopelessness. To force yourself to go through the daily motions of being human, while feeling like you have nothing left to give is intolerable. Even being fully aware of what it was and why it was happening could not save me.
I think I cried for about two months... and I'm not a crier. I cried because I felt Connah wasn't getting enough attention. I cried because I didn't think I was bonding with Ashden. I cried because I was crying and children should not have to see their parents cry. I cried eleventy billion times. It was not fun.
While the nasty depression chemicals in my brain, did eventually fade, the points they brought up in that first few months have stayed with me, and left me with the echo in my mind: Is love enough?

Since having Connah, I have never doubted my ability as a parent. I don't mean to sound arrogant, or conceited, it's just that once I reach a parenting decision, I can confidently move forward without second guessing myself. I know I will make the right decisions for the boys until they are able to make their own.

But I am not a natural parent.

I look at the parents around me, and while it doesn't look easy, (It never looks easy) they take it all in their stride. Things that stop me in my tracks, are things that they can breeze through with no problems. It amazes me when people tell me that I'm a natural mother. I just want to grab their head, and scream in their face: "are you not watching!" I research, and think, and contradict, and research some more before making the smallest decision, all the while maintaining a calm and sure exterior, so that the boys do not pick up on the stress vibe. They can not see any doubt from me. At this stage in their lives, I am infallible, their sword and their shield.

Not a natural parent, just a very attentive one.

The "more love" concept came up when I was trying to decide whether to have a second child. Other parents spoke of the "extra love" that magically appeared with the birth of another baby.
I worried that I would not have enough. Not love. I knew I could love another child, it was the time, patients and brain power devoted solely on raising this child the best way possible. I was worried about what I would take away from two children, by adding one.
Others with children tried to brush away my concerns by saying "But they get so much out of having a sibling." or "Ask my children; they don't believe they've missed out on anything." And my favorite: "They wont even remember when they're grown up anyway." That does not mean it won't affect them. Everything you do as a parent effects your children, pushes them toward the adult they are going to be, and just because they cannot consciously retain the memories of their early childhood, in no way means it has not irrevocably changed who they were going to be.
So, while I don't believe that you simply "Grow more love" to accommodate each new child, I also don't think I love Connah any less with the addition of Ashden, it just stretched out to cover him too.
My point was always this: Is it enough to simply love them both? When time and attention are halved, are they really getting all they need? My logical side screams "NO" which is possibly why I feel like I've been close to breaking point several time since Ashden has been born, trying to give them both all they would have if they were my only child. However, my emotional side (which has a tendency to be overly optimistic,) say's "yes, If they know you love them, everything else will work out."
After all this, I ended up having a second child, because I believe that the benefits will outweigh the risks. I can make it work. I just need to combine my logical side, so that I will actively raise my children, not simply watch them grow up, with my emotional side so that I will hopefully remain sane :)

xox