Into The Breach - part two....

I have done it. I have enrolled Connah in a childcare center two days a week. (days is a pretty loose term here, he's going for three hours, twice a week.)
We had a few transition days last week, where I stayed with him to get him used to the idea, and I officially left him there for his first day at 8.55am this morning.

This feels wrong. I'm a mess. It's 9.32am and I'm counting down the minutes until 10 so that I can call to see how he's doing.

I know that there are things he needs to learn that I can't teach him, because I will never see him as an ordinary person. He will always be a living ball of glowy sunshine to me. But he probably needs to know that other people will not see him that way. They will ignore him, and they will be nasty to him. And I'm not supposed to protect him from that forever. Wrong.

13 minutes.

The worst part about this whole situation is that I have done this. I have deliberately put him in a situation that I know will cause him pain. The fact that it's for the greater good, and he will probably really enjoy it eventually is irrelevant at this point. I can not cut him without ripping myself to shreds. I seem to take on his emotions so completely, that even as my logical adult brain knows it's only three hours, my child empathizing brain believes it may as well be forever.

9 minutes.....

Horrid things are running through my head.... If he hurts himself, will he just curl up in a ball on the floor because he doesn't want anyone to touch him? If he needs to go to the bathroom, will he be able to ask someone, or will he have an accident? If he's crying really hard, will he vomit? He still does this sometimes and he will freak out if he vomits....

2 minutes.....

Screw it, I'm calling....

According to the lovely receptionist lady, he is baking. And content for now. You would think this would make me feel better, and it does - marginally. But there is still two hours left... a lot can happen in two hours....
To think I'm going to have to do this all over again in two years with Ashden is emotionally exhausting. One at a time...

1 hour 52 minutes to go......




xox