Nice Guys Finish Last...

OK, I haven't had a rant in a while, and this one is long overdue.  I'm gonna go a bit off road on this post - it's not about children or parenting experiences... although in order for those things to happen, first people must hook up, so let's just roll with it.

And the disclaimer:  I am going to generalize.  Probably a lot.  Keep in mind that there are always exceptions to the rule, (though hardly ever.  That's why it's the "rule") and try not to get all flustered and insulted - it's just my opinion.

So, nice guys finish last.  I hear this a lot - often when guys are bemoaning their eternal singledom.  It comes in many different forms:

'I treat women with respect, and would never cheat, yet they always put me in the friend zone.'

'I'm just a nice guy, but women don't want a nice guy - they want a jerk, or a bad boy that's going to treat them like crap.'

'I treat this girl like a princess and am always the first one she turns to when she needs relationship advise, but she says she values our friendship too much to potentially ruin it by making it more.'

First, there are two types of nice guys, so let's get to know them a bit better:

The Self Proclaimed Nice Guy -  This is the guy that you meet, and within two minutes he's told you all about what a nice guy he is.  He will announce it loudly, publicly, and often.  He will also give examples of the nice things he's done for various harpies who end up sleeping with his best friend or burning down his hand-crafted bird house. If he does manage to snare himself a girlfriend, he is whiny, clingy and needs constant reassurance that the object of his affection is not going to run off and abandon him.  He has no real interest in having a proper conversation with a girl - he's too busy trying to prove how smart and nice he is. He will often make derogatory remarks under the guise of humor, and manipulation and guilt are his weapons of choice.  He will complain that if girls would just bother to get to know him, they would see through all the crappy luck he's had with jobs (he's always being fired or quitting 'cause his boss hates him),  houses (he lives in his mother's basement because his flatmates suck), the police (they just have it in for him for some unknown reason that has nothing to do with his drug use or illegal car modifications), and fall in love with him.  But no, girls only care about money and status.   

The Bewildered Nice Guy - This guy is lovely.  He calls and texts to ask you how your day has been.  He genuinely seems to care about your opinions and can spend hours discussing anything from politics, to what colour coat you should buy for your toy poodle.  He opens doors, buys flowers often, and will always tell you how beautiful you look.  He never forgets your birthday, or anything that's mildly important to you, and agrees with you on almost everything.  He is usually quite shy or introverted, so doesn't make the first move in a relationship, and if he does find himself with a girlfriend, it's either because she pursued him, or he got drunk one night and just kinda woke up with one.  He devotes himself to his romantic relationships and makes his partner the center of his world.  The relationship always ends with him having no idea what went wrong.

Now let's break down why these nice guys always finish last:

It's fairly easy to see where Mr. Self Proclaimed goes wrong.  Firstly, you are not a nice guy, you think you are because you don't cheat on, or beat up women, but it actually takes a bit more than that.  Respect is a good place to start.  

We do not feel like you are expressing affection when you don't want us to do anything or go anywhere without you, we feel suffocated.  It is exhausting to constantly reassure you, and eventually we will get over it and move on.

We are not after money and status, We are after confidence and intelligence   Do you know how unattractive you are when all you do is bitch about your job / car / friends / housing situation? VERY unattractive - think Quasimodo having a bad hair day. We actually can see past all of your 'bad luck', we just pretend not to because behind it there is a whinging angry toddler throwing his toys 'cause he can't handle his own life.  If you're unhappy, change it.  Level up a bit already!

And for the love of all things holy, stop telling us that you're not like other guys.  That is the war cry of all generic guys.  Seriously.  If you're actually not you don't have to tell us, we'll figure it out for ourselves.  If you do insist on uttering that horrific statement, at least come up with a few key points on how you're not like other guys (make them up if you have to), so if you accidentally hit on someone with half a brain you'll have something to say when she calls you on it.

Mr. Bewildered is a bit tougher.  You actually are a nice guy, we enjoy spending time with you, and would like to thank you for all your help over the years.  Unfortunately for you, we are biologically attracted to the alpha.  You are biologically attracted to a slender waist and curves in the appropriate places, as this indicates a healthy female capable of baring and nurturing many sons.  We are attracted to strength and power in our mate so they can kill a buffalo to provide us with food, and protect us if a mountain lion tries to eat us.  Obviously over the years these needs have become a little less necessary (and in many cases unwanted) but the original basic awareness of what we find appealing in a partner remains.

This does not mean that you need to hit the gym 12 times a week to get buff, and start ordering people to fetch your diamond studded shoes, but it does mean that you need to own your life.  Forge a path, stand up for what you believe in, take risks.  Stop agreeing with us all the time!  There is nothing more frustrating than a man who doesn't have his own opinions.  If there is a decision to be made (what should we eat?  Where should we go? etc) make it!  Discussing is fine, but "I don't mind, let's do whatever you want" is not an appropriate response!  Live your life with nothing but the power of your own authority to guide you.  You are a man - stop waiting for us to save you.

And now for some things we wish you knew, but probably would never say to your face:

The friend zone:  There are only two reasons you ever end up in the friend zone - A.)  We are not attracted to you physically.  B.) We are not attracted to your personality.  Usually it's the first.  Girls are generally romantic creatures, and are fully prepared to throw a friendship to the sharks if there is any hint of a spark, so if she tells you she doesn't want to ruin the friendship, it's because the thought of sleeping with you is unappealing.

Note:  Try not to push this.  She is trying not to hurt your feelings, so just read the underlying message, and either walk away, or (if you actually do value her friendship and weren't just in it from the start to get laid) let her be. If you pressure her into a relationship anyway, it will not end well.

We love intelligence:  This is very appealing to us, but it must be used in a fun, interesting way.  Formal education needs to be handled with care - if you're an expert in something, that's awesome.  Try not to shove it down our throats though, wait for us to ask, and then avoid lecturing - share information, don't talk down to us like we're children.  Guys who assume we are stupid just because we're female will get avoided like the plague.  Yes you are smart, now get some people skills.

Girls like sex:  True story.  If you are in a relationship, and she's not putting the moves on you fairly regularly (or worse, she doesn't initiate whatsoever, and often turns you down when you do) you are probably doing something wrong.  Make an effort.  Research if you have to.  We are not wired the same way you are, and tiredness or sickness will occasionally get in the way of us being in the mood, but if you're awesome in bed, we won't be making up excuses... you'll have to turn us down so you avoid getting vomited on halfway through.  In short - if you've got mad skills, you get a whole lot more action.  And an FYI: Smell is very important to us, so brush your teeth, take a shower, and put on something that makes you smell pleasant.  Don't rock up straight from work with beer breath and dirty socks and expect us to swoon.

Absolute devotion is overrated:  Do not revolve your entire life around us, (Twilight fans may argue with me here...) Making somebody else the center of your world is dangerous and unhealthy.  Don't get me wrong - we totally expect you to take a bullet for us and all that jazz, but to have that level of dependence on another person for you to be able to function reeks of insecurity and weakness.  Nobody is responsible for your personal happiness except you.

Romance: Again - overrated.  Generic romantic gestures should be outlawed.  Buying flowers on your anniversary?  Running a bubble-bath with rose petals?  Candlelit dinner?  Just stop it. Stop it right now!  If it doesn't feel genuine to you, it definitely won't to us, so just don't bother. Cheesy, try-hard gestures just make us feel icky.... it's like you're trying to pay us to have sex with you.
If you want to get a rep for being the 'romantic guy', you have to invite romance to come tap-dance in your soul - it has to be part of who you are, not just random gestures that you throw in here and there to score points or keep the peace.

Note:  A lot of girls don't care if the gestures are genuine or not, they are insecure and just looking for things to tell their friends about so they can prove (to themselves mostly) that they are worthy of love.  It doesn't work, but they still do it.....

Anyway, with this type of girl you will get oodles of credit and / or sex for your fake-romantic gestures, so knock yourself out!  

Girls don't know what they want.  The world we now live in has brainwashed us into believing that men and women are equal in all things, and everything should be 'fair'.  Women should have careers, and men should stay home with the babies.  Women are strong and independent, and men are sensitive and supportive.  

Women are being force-fed what they 'should' want to the point that they actually believe it.

So we go out and find the nice, sensitive, supportive man.  We date him for a while, and try to figure out why it's so annoying when he agrees with us all the time, cries when Jack from Titanic dies, or seems far more interested in our career than his own.  I mean, this is exactly what we wanted, right?

It's because we are fighting our nature.  We are built differently, with different strengths and attributes, and instead of embracing that, we try to mould ourselves and our partners into people that interact with each other in a way society deems appropriate.

Well, that seems like a sure-fire way to attain relationship bliss, doesn't it?

So stop trying.  Stop trying to be what women want, and simply conduct your life with honour, integrity and courage.  Don't do it to get girls, do it because it is what you were born to do. The fact that women will be irresistibly drawn to you is just a neat side effect.  Awesome attracts awesome, so if you want somebody amazing, you must first be amazing yourself.  

Or, if that's too hard for you, you could always just lower your standards, and quit complaining.

You're welcome :)

xox

(Note on picture:  My husband - nicest guy you'll ever meet.  But also honorable, honest and courageous. That guy always gets the girl.)