Into the Breach - part three....

Connah has now been attending childcare two mornings a week, for three months.

Three months, and I still get butterflies in my stomach on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, anticipating the inevitable question: "Is it a kindy day today?"

He doesn't throw tantrums, or even get upset. He just silently and passively resists.

A blankness comes over him, and it's like something has stolen his vitality away. He is a shadow of his usual self, as if, by partitioning the vibrant part away, he can become invisible enough to protect himself from the perceived dangers.

To watch him at his Christmas "concert", surrounded by all of the other children singing and dancing, was brutal. The vacant expression took over, his eyes fixed on something internal, and he waited. He was jostled around by happy children with flailing arms and legs, and he just waited for it to be over.

He goes through the basic motions at Childcare. He sits on the mat when he's told. He eats when he's told. He lies down for his rest when he's told. He now plays, and has started to interact more with the other children.

But he doesn't glow.

Every time I have to leave him there, I hesitate. I don't mean to, but I look at his crumpled little tear stained face, and I can't just walk out the door and trust that he'll be fine. Because I do not know for sure that he will be. So I hesitate, and because I do, he knows on some level that I haven't completely embraced the idea.


Am I hindering him? Is this a self fulfilling prophecy? Can you fulfill someone else's prophecy?



The unexpected part in all this, is how he now is at home.

He sings constantly. He knows all the words to dozens of songs, and will recite stories when he thinks no one is listening, so while he will not participate at childcare, he is absorbing the information.

He is loud now. Only at home, but loud, and occasionally defiant.

He barely ever stops moving, I'm constantly asking him if he needs to go to the bathroom, because he's bobbing around like he's about to burst.

He has started trying out little power plays, where he will refuse to let Mark do things for him. (get his breakfast, give him a bath, hold his hand to cross the road ect.) He rarely gets away with it, so now he cries - very loudly - through a lot of breakfast/bath/road crossings.

He plays independently, something he has never willingly done before.

He is much more open to trying new foods. In the last couple of months we have discovered that he doesn't like gherkins, pizza, tomatoes, yellow/orange melon, or anything with the word pie in it - He thinks he might like them all when he gets a bit bigger.

Are these things in direct relation to childcare? Or is this all just part of him now being 3?
I think it's probably both.

We are continuing at this stage, because while I could pull him out now, and give him a couple more years at home to help him develop a stronger sense of self, and possibly better coping skills, I believe it will only make it that much harder for him to adjust when it's time. He is stubborn, and doesn't like change. I don't think that will be any different when he's 5.

So, we will go back every Tuesday and Thursday morning, and I will believe. I will believe that this day will be better than the last. And I will keep believing until I will it into existence.

Until he glows again.



xox