The Terrible Twos...

I seriously thought it was a myth.

With Connah, we sailed through his second year in a blissful sea of learning and adventure. The amount of knowledge that was packed inside his head during that year was epic, and he quietly analyzed it all and stored it away for future reference.

The Attack however, seems to think that being two is something that the universe has done specifically to irritate him.

He learns. He learns a lot. But he does it loudly. There is no quiet contemplation with the Attack - he works through his confusion emotionally, verbally, and right smack in your face.

One of his biggest tantrum inducing conversations goes like this:

The Attack: "Carry me."

Me: "No Ash, you don't need a carry, that's why you have legs."

The Attack: "No! I neeeeeeeed a CARRYYYYYYYY!!!" AHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHHHHH WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

This continues until he gets distracted. Sometimes two minutes, sometimes an hour. Fortunately, this list of things capable of distracting a meltdown of this magnitude is fairly long, but nothing works every time. It's a matter of making your way through the list until something clicks:

Me: "Ash, do you want to play cars?"

The Attack: "WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA NO!!! CARRY ME!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. *Stamps foot repeatedly.*

Me: "Do you want to hold Koko?

The Attack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WAAAAAAAA EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! *Throws himself on the floor.*

Me: "Do you want to hide in the cupboard?

The Attack: "O.K." *Picks himself up off the floor and smiles, which is adorable even though he is covered in tears and snot and dog hair from rolling around on the ground.*

This happens 17 times a day.

These episodes are interspersed with bouts of intense hyperactivity, (he likes to run at you at full speed and then launch himself onto you while screaming BOINGGGG! It's more fun if you're not expecting it,) and slightly exaggerated accusations tossed in Connah's direction, (he once woke up in the middle of the night to tell me that Connah had just kicked him in the face. Connah was sleeping in his own room on the other side of the house.)

He loves trying new things. As long as they go exactly the way he imagines they will in his head.

His first trip to the snow was awesome, for six minutes. Then he slipped over. He stared at that snow like it had just committed an unimaginable act of betrayal, his brain couldn't seem to accept the fact that snow is cold and slippery. He then spent the best part of the next two hours crying that he wanted to go home.

The beach was the same: Yay! Sand! Sand castles! Water! Digging holes! Fun!!! But wait... The sand is hot, and the water moves! TOWARDS YOU! HOW CAN THIS BE?!?!

He is still very sensitive to loud noises, (unless he is making them,) so will often be seen trucking around with a pair of earmuffs on.

Reasons to wear earmuffs:

1) Someone is vacuuming, or mowing lawns.

2) The scary part in Shrek is coming up.

3) A bird is singing too loud.

4) Connah wants to wear the earmuffs.

If earmuffs are unavailable due to them falling in the toilet / the dog eating them / leaving the house without them, then I must cup my hands over his ears really tight. This is a little disturbing to do in public places, as the way he likes me to have my hands kinda makes it look like I'm trying to pull his head off. I'm not, just so we're clear on that.

During the times when he's not melting down, or being betrayed by the world, The Attack is hilarious. He picks up adult speech readily, and easily incorporates it into his own vocabulary. When asked why he wasn't eating last night, his response was: "My capsicum tastes a little funky - it's probably rotten." Awesome.

"That's OK, though" has become his catch phrase as of late:

Me: "Ash, we need to get your shoes on, we're already late."

The Attack: "That's O.K, though."

Me: "Ash, don't put your cup upside down on your head, you just spilled water all over yourself."
The Attack: "That's O.K, though."

Me: "Go to the bathroom before you pee all over the floor!"
The Attack: "That's O.K, though."

Ashden is funny, cheeky and adorable - which is a fairly lethal combination. He makes the whole world grin like a idiot dancing in the whiskers of baby kittens.

And then he'll realize that the car he is holding in his hand is the blue Porsche, when he actually wanted to play with the blue Lamborghini, and he'll explode. Like a bomb. It. Is. Spectacular.

He turns three in September. I'm kinda hoping three comes with a tantrum switch, or at least a touch more logic.

Four more months...


xox

The Birds and the Bees...

I am a thinker. I like to think things through before I speak.

This makes me fairly incompetent in social situations, because people generally don't like to wait for extended periods of time to get answers to questions such as "How are you?" or "What have you been up to lately?".

I have adapted somewhat, because the future I once envisioned for myself - the future that involved me shunning human companionship completely, and frolicking off into the forest to live with the fae and be at one with the universe (don't laugh, I know you think it sounds awesome) - no longer exists for me. I have chosen to live here, in all the messy mortal glory that comes with being a wife and mother.

Unfortunately, It also comes with responsibilities like small talk, because lets face it, you're not gonna let your kid go for a play date at the crazy mute lady's house.
So I lie. I tell people what they want to hear, but often just end up rambling because I really don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Dealing with questions from my boys however, demands more effort.

My unwillingness to lie to them, coupled with my possum-caught-in-the-headlights reaction to questions, makes for an almost inevitable disaster. But, I've found disaster can be avoided with a few simple techniques:

#1. Immediately upon hearing it, repeat the question back, preferably rephrased.
This has two benefits, the first being that you are showing that you are listening and interested in the question (and also making sure you have it right. If I had implemented this earlier, I could have avoided the long racial conversation I had with Connah when he asked why his friend was a different colour to him. Seriously, I was rambling about genetics and DNA for twenty minutes, which was pretty hard, 'cause I know crap-all about genetics and DNA. Also, completely unnecessary because as It turns out, his friend had really bad sunburn.)
The second (and probably most important) reason for this is that it buys you time to gather your scattered thoughts and come up with a coherent answer.

#2. Do not offer candy and / or cookies as a ploy in order to distract the child and buy yourself more time to think.
By the time they finish eating (and you've come up with an explanation worthy of an award of some kind) they will have lost all interest in anything you have to say unless it directly relates to them getting more candy.

#3. Whatever it is that you come up with to say, simplify it.

Expanding a small child's vocabulary is great, but expecting them to understand you when you're explaining about the moral and ethical dilemmas of lying is unrealistic. To avoid becoming a human thesaurus during your speech, save vocabulary lessons for another time

#4. While it's important to tell the truth, it's fine to omit things that are not age appropriate.
Is it really necessary for your toddler to know the exact blood spatter pattern of the possum you hit with your car last night?

How about why your neighbor, Mrs Jones sneaks out of her house every night that her husband goes away on business trips?
This is where editing comes in handy. The possum died. Mrs Jones is visiting a friend. Unless they specifically ask for details you're pretty safe.

However if the child has a genuine interest in something you deem inappropriate, you would have to judge whether they are mentally / emotionally able to understand and cope with the information, and go from there. Just try not to raise a serial killer - that would be bad.

So, keeping in mind my complete inability to answer questions like a normal person, and the subsequent list of rules I need to refer to in order to make any sense at all, this is what I came up with during my first attempt at answering one of the most feared questions of parents everywhere:

Connah: "Where do babies come from?"

Me: (Repeat. Maybe this has something to do with sunburn too...)"Do you mean how are babies made? Or where do they come from?"

Connah: "No, I mean how do you get one?"

Me: (The cabbage patch. No, stalks bring them! Crap! No lying! ) "Well, when you're grown up, you have to find a girl that you want to share one with and then she will grow it in her belly until it gets big enough to be born. Then you have a baby.

Connah: "I have to share it with a girl?! Can't I just grow one in my own belly?"

Me: (Well with the advances in medical technology, it is actually possible for a man to carry a baby to term... Edit: Unnecessary information at this time...) "No, only girls grow babies in their bellies. Boys don't have the right parts inside them to grow one."

Connah: "What if two boys want to share a baby?"

Me: (Not the time for an adoption or gay rights speech... simplify...) "Then they have to find a girl who doesn't want to keep her baby, and ask if they can look after it."

Connah: "But only girls grow the babies?"

Me: "Yes."

Connah: "Mummy?"

Me: "Yes Connah?"

Connah: "When I'm grown up, will you ask a girl to grow me a baby, cause ummm, I'm gonna be busy that day."





xox

Breastfeeding: A Mothers Choice, or her Sentence?

All new mothers are advised to breastfeed. We're told that there are so many benefits to breastfeeding, and that it is the best thing we can do for our child.

We're told it's natural, it has just the right nutrients for your baby, it promotes better bonding between mother and child, it provides antioxidants to keep them from getting sick, it's environmentally friendly. It's a magic potion of rainbows and unicorns that can rid the world of evil whilst simultaneously doing your taxes.

The medical profession, the media, family, and strangers in the street, all eulogize the benefits of breastfeeding.

This makes me want to choke them a little.

The doctors, nurses and midwives are especially frustrating to me - they should be providing new mothers with information and support regarding their preferred method of feeding their child, not ignoring bottle feeding entirely, and using guilt and pressure to 'encourage' breastfeeding.

It is completely ridiculous to think that if you pretend bottle feeding doesn’t exit, then all mothers will breastfeed.

The number of mothers who start breastfeeding but then go on to formula is very high, particularly in the first week. It is vital that they get basic information on how to prepare it properly, and the importance of sterilizing.

Promoting breastfeeding as being the best option if you are able and willing is fine, but villanizing mothers who bottle feed is not.

You are looked upon as selfish if you choose to bottle feed. You are given sidelong glances, and the occasional snarky comment if you dare to be seen in public with a bottle. Breastfeeding fanatics imply – when they don’t just say it outright – that you are either too callous or ignorant to do the 'right' thing by your child – you obviously don’t care about it's well being if you're feeding it formula! (gasp). You may as well be dressing it in plastic bags and letting it play on the road with rabid dogs.

Contrary to popular belief, baby formula is not in fact poison.

Today's baby milk formula is the closest it has ever been to breast milk. It also comes fortified with many nutrients that are low or absent in many mother's milk. Formula milk is fortified with iron and vitamin D and contains two essential fatty acids found in breastmilk, DHA and ARA. It is a nutritionally complete food for babies.

During my research for this post, I asked the people around me what they believed the benefits of breast feeding to be, and if they chose to do it, Why? Interestingly, convenience and the fact that it was free was high up on the list. But there were four other benefits that were present in most peoples minds, so I wanted to look further into them. This is what I found:

#1: Breastfeeding promotes bonding.
Many people who did not enjoy breastfeeding speak of only bonding with their child once they stopped. Many people who do enjoy breastfeeding speak of it as being the most bonding experience of their lives. In short, people are different and therefore will not always find the same activities bonding. Breastfeeding does help some woman form an attachment with their children, but if you are unable or unwilling, it can be very detrimental to bonding. If this is the case, the good news is that you do not need your baby to be physically attached to your body in order to bond with them. Spend time with them. Hold them. Play with them. Love them. It works really well.

#2: Breastfeeding passes antibodies to the baby.
Most mammals are born without any antibodies (or only the tiniest amounts) circulating in their blood. This leaves them defenseless at birth against viruses, bacteria and other pathogens. If a kitten is deprived of it's mothers colostrum after birth, it will probably get sick and die. Fortunately, the antibody molecules in colostrum are easily able to pass through the bowel walls of these baby mammals and protect them.

Human babies however, are able to absorb antibodies into their blood before birth via the placenta. Unlike other mammals (except monkeys) human babies are born with all the maternal antibodies that they will ever have.

Colostrum and breast milk are full of antibodies, but babies are never able to absorb them into the bloodstream except maybe in tiny amounts. The antibodies in breast milk do protect against infection, but they only work locally - inside the baby's gastrointestinal tract.

#3: Breastfeeding your child increases it's IQ.
If we are working on statistics (Which most of these studies do) it is worth noting that mothers who elect to breastfeed tend to be more intelligent themselves. Intelligence is genetic.
Experts originally believed that an acid called DHA which is found in breast milk, was responsible for the slight increase of IQ in breastfed children. But when they adjusted the results to take into account factors such as the mother’s own IQ and level of education, the difference between the intelligence of breastfed and formula fed babies disappeared.
There is also no statistical difference between the intelligence of siblings when one was breastfed and one wasn't.

#4: Breastfeeding reduces the risk of SIDS.
Yes it does, but that has nothing to do with anything in the breast milk. More likely it has to do with the frequency of which the child wakes to feed, or the fact that statistically, more mothers from higher income families choose to breastfeed and they can afford to buy new bedding for their children. Protective covers for bedding eliminate the risk of SIDS. Buy one today: http://www.babymattresscovers.com/

There are so many studies and reports out there showing the vast superiority of breastfeeding, but most of them share one glaring fault: Researchers can not ethically tell a woman how to feed her child, so they are forced to simply compare groups of babies being breast fed, against groups that are not.

Statistically we know that many mothers who choose to breastfeed are relatively intelligent, are more educated, come from higher income families, tend to provide more stimulating home environments, are more likely to use attachment parenting, and are slightly older than bottle feeding mothers. It is almost impossible to distinguish which benefits come from breastfeeding and which come from genetics, environment and parenting choices by simply observing these mothers.

Thousands of these observational studies have been published claiming the undeniable benefits of breastfeeding, but most of these claims have never been proven in the lab.
Connections between breastfeeding and obesity, allergies, preventing leukemia, cognitive development, heart disease, diabetes, (the list goes on...) are brandished about as if they are fact, but the science does not support these claims.
The studies are just comparing one group against another without taking any other relevant factors into account.

Does this mean that formula is better than breast milk? Not at all, there are many benefits to breastfeeding, this is only intended to make people think, and not judge others based on something that they've been spoon-fed.
Breastfeeding is a natural function and if you are able and willing, a really good choice. However, circumstances exist where bottle feeding is the better decision for some families - this decision is not child abuse, and shouldn't be treated as such.

You can not decide if another persons reasons are valid. Some may find breastfeeding to be an enjoyable / spiritual / rewarding experience, but that doesn't mean everyone will, or that they are even capable of feeling that way given their personality or history. Trying to force someone into it by making them feel as though they are inadequate, or a bad parent is cruel and irresponsible. You are not them. The breastfeeding movement is supposed to be a positive empowering thing, and instead it attempts to take the power of choice from mothers by providing inaccurate data and bullying, and it is hurting babies through lack of information.

When it comes to how you decide to feed your baby, no body else gets to have an opinion.

The best thing you can do for your child is be the most awesome parent you can. Look beyond conception, birth and nursing to the world into which they are born, where everything they see, feel and hear starts to shape the person they will become. Your children need you to be happy, confident, and capable much more than they need breast milk, and having a stressed, overwhelmed or resentful mother is far more toxic to them than anything found in formula.


xox

Once upon a time, there lived a mouse. She was the finest mouse in all the land, with long golden fur, and shiny red eyes, which surprisingly did not make her look creepy at all.

Her name was Cinnamon.

Cinnamon was best friends with the young prince, who loved her dearly and carried her about with him for over half of his life. They played royal games such as "Spider mouse" and "Flying in a rocket ship". The prince told Cinnamon stories of his travels around the kingdom. and they went on many adventures to far off lands like The Bathroom, and The Couch.

All was well, and the days swept by in a blissful haze of laughter and happiness.

Until one day the young prince was teaching Cinnamon how to drive his truck, and Cinnamon did not want to. She tried to get out of the truck, but the young prince wanted her to stay in, and shut the trucks door.

On her neck.

Cinnamon did not survive this ordeal, and the young prince learned a harsh lesson: When you squish a small mammals head, it dies.

The End.


I hate that this happened.
I hate that this is part of his history now.
I hate that this is my fault.

He did not intend to hurt her, of that I am sure. He has been carting around tiny fragile animals since before he could walk, and the only damage he's done is stand (repeatedly) on a cats tail, (but in his defense, that cat is evil, and I think it deliberately puts it's tail under peoples feet so it can then feel justified in scratching the crap out of them,) and occasionally asking if he can hold an animal "like a pants" (which he has never actually done.)
I had grown accustomed to trusting that he wouldn't harm them. Which sounds a bit ridiculous really... He is only two, and he really wanted Cinnamon to drive that damn truck. The outcome was fairly predictable in hindsight.

I took this a lot harder than The Attack. Cinnamon was his constant companion, but if we had obtained another mouse for him, he could have switched his allegiance quite easily - he doesn't yet possess the cognitive ability to really understand pets as individual entities, they are still like toys to him, and therefore interchangeable. But he doesn't have a new mouse, and so he misses his old friend. He still asks me everyday "Where's Cinnamon gone?"

And I have to explain. Again.

I think this is the only thing I can do to help him understand - let him feel her absence.

The image of my two year old son running up to me with wide eyes and the limp body of his pet mouse in his hands, is one that is now seared into my memory. Not because it was so horrific (though it did kind of feel that way at the time... your child holding the corpse of his pet is hardly pleasant,) but because I recognized immediately what had happened, and that this was a lesson that he had to learn - I shouldn't interfere to make it easier for him. And that is hard.

So, there is no happily ever after for this tale, just life, and learning, and growing from it.

Goodbye Cinnamon, you really were a good mouse.


xox

Get a Real Job...

Join me, would you, for a mild rant? It'll be fun... promise.

Somebody said something to me the other day that raised my hackles and almost brought about a Connah-sized hissy fit.
It was said in sympathy, because I am currently sick and tired and I look sick and tired, (seriously, I'm a bit of a train wreck) and this person was obviously trying to make me feel better - she had no idea how offensive her words were to me.

So what was this thoughtless, inexcusable statement that made me want to choke her a little?:

"Oh well, at least you don't have to work in the morning."

I know, right?!

O.k, let me explain myself so I don't come of like a total shrew.

Since having children, I have stayed at home with them full time, I have worked full time, and am currently working part time. I do actually have to work in the morning, but that's not the point.

The point is, I hear this statement all the time, most often in reference to fathers who really shouldn't be woken to attend to the baby during the night, as they have to get up for work in the morning.
So, what then? If you do not get sufficient sleep, you are not able to preform your duties at work?
But, if you are staying at home with children, it's OK to do a sub-standard job due to over-tiredness because...

You are not getting paid?
You will not get fired?
Those in your care are unwilling, or unable to complain?

Taking care of children is physical. It is fraught with emotional and intellectual difficulties as you try to find your way through the minefield of growing little people into big people, and you do not get breaks. Ever.

It is awesome. And it is terrifying. Every day.

To have this woman - a mother herself - belittle what so many of us do on a daily basis, made me want to smack her upside the head. If parents don't even understand the value of what they are doing, no one else is going to either.

So next time some kind-hearted person decides to drop that empathy-bomb on you, you need to turn to them, smile sweetly, and say:

"If you find it easier to stay at home and parent your children when you are sick instead of going to work, then you are probably doing it wrong."

And that concludes today's rant.


xox

Like a Pants...

Pants is a hilarious word to me. Not because pants are an excessively amusing item of clothing, and not because of any sort of entertaining situation that has arisen whilst I have been wearing pants, but because of The Attacks use of the word.

Whether it has come from misunderstanding something he has seen or heard, or whether he just feels that this is the correct way to hold your pants, I don't know.

It started with a water balloon, which as he picked up, slipped halfway out of his hand. He stared at it for a while before the epiphany hit him and he held it up in front of him and announce triumphantly: "I IS HOLDING IT LIKE A PANTS!" Whereupon he starting plucking each balloon out of the bucket and telling it "You is like a pants" "Pantsy Pants Pants."

And if you've never seen a two year old dancing around half naked with water balloons, singing about pants, you're really missing out. Here, I'll give you a definition so that you can properly visualize it:

Definition: "Like a pants" To hold something 'like a pants' is to grasp it firmly at it's very top most region using ones whole fist to grip, and then it must be held up and out from the body so that it dangles downwards. The item may or may not be waggled. See also: "Like a pantsy"

There. Isn't your life more complete now? You're welcome.

Almost anything can be held 'like a pants', toys, curtains, plastic ware, rugs, giant inflatable furniture ect. Food seems to be a favorite choice for pants holding, as apparently it's way more fun if stuff flings off of it while it's waggling.

So next time you are feeling stressed, grumpy, or just need some amusement in your day, think of a small boy holding out a barely hatched pigeon, asking in a hopeful voice: "Hold him like a pants?" and you will smile.

Pants.

It's a funny word.



xox

A Message for Christchurch...

You have been dealt a huge blow today. A blow that is resonating throughout the country invoking shock and disbelief wherever it touches.

I have no inspiring words of comfort for what you have lost. There is very little comfort to be had after having your sense of security torn asunder, so instead, I will write what I have seen.

In the last eight hours, I have seen images of brutal death and destruction. I have seen buildings leveled, and streets carved into pieces. Buses buried beneath rubble, and billowing smoke and dust rising to the sky.



And I have seen people.



Devastated people. Blood soaked people. Broken people. People wandering aimlessly, in disbelief over what they have lost. People pulling themselves from crushed cars, and demolished buildings.

And those same people returning to the buildings they have just escaped from, to assist others still trapped. People wrapping shell-shocked strangers in blankets to keep them warm. People holding hands while they wait to hear word of their missing loved ones. People offering what little they have left, to those who have lost everything.



There is strength here. And vast amounts of courage.



Tonight will be a long night for many of you. The following days filled with confusion and uncertainty. But also with hope, and bravery, compassion and philanthropy.



And though it seems incredibly inadequate, we are all sending our thoughts and our love to you during this time.





xox